Its not a happy fathers day this year. My poor husband didn't get one last year. I completely forgot in my grief last year. And coming from the years of the over doing it pinterest wife he married, its unfair to go from that to nothing.
He made a joke about waiting for this fathers day, expecting the biggest and best. Knowing full well it will not happen. Humor is his way of coping. And he does anything to get those smiles back on my face these days. They are so few and far between.
I have not been much of a mother or a wife lately. But he has been the actual definition of the worlds greatest Dad. It is always the dad that gets overshadowed by the grief of the mother. Its just a different relationship. He didn't get to experience Anna in the way I did. I wish he had. To know how she was a morning baby, always waking me up with kicks. He got to feel her dancing at night. The first time he felt her kicks was during the oscars this year. I thought she knew her father was a film maker, and it was a special touch. Such few memories they share. Now I cling to them all like they are gold, and hold more importance than they ever would have.
Watching your husband hold your precious baby who has passed, brings a love that cannot be described. His gentleness and tears mixing together over something only the two of you can create but never replicate. Something breaks and a newness between you is made.
When the nurses and doctors finished caring for me, he stepped in. Sometimes holding the full weight of my body because I couldn't stand on my own, emotionally and physically. Writing the words I couldn't, to announce to the world that Anna was here, if only for a moment, but gone too soon. He was the one who spoke the words to our children, telling them a nightmare. He is the one who continues to both work to support us, and to keep our lives afloat, as I break more with each day. He grocery shops, does all the cooking and cleaning, he cares for the kids, takes them to swim lessons, arranges play dates, he is the mother I can't be right now. But he is also the Father. Two roles colliding in one human.
I used to think I understood the role of a father. The forever fun one, who always seems to make the kids more wild right before bedtime. That says yes to sugar when I would have said no. That wrestles on the floor and tickles them till the laughter turns silent with joy. Who always pushes them higher on the swings. Who makes funny faces for hours. Who tells the most ridiculous jokes in the car.
But now I know he is the one who stands tall on the hardest of life's days and loves everyone through them when no one else can. The father's who have faced childloss are often the voiceless. In the shadows of grief themselves, but not allowed the grace that comes for the mothers. They are the true strong ones.
We have been through some hard days in our marriage. But we have always been okay. I found this song just yesterday and along with the melody, the words reminded me of our love, as a husband, and as a father. "You're amazing, and you have me, it doesn't matter whatever comes to be, we'll be okay"
a very Unhappy Fathers Day Brandon. Maybe next year we will celebrate the amazing man you are in grand splendor. This year I will put the kids to bed for the first time in 4 weeks, so you get one tiny break. It seems like the smallest thing I can give you, and yet in my world its monumental. I wish I could give you the world, as you have done for me for 10 years, and especially for the last 4 weeks. I love you. We'll be ok.
With love, lissa