I have always found solace in music. Songs of sadness are written at artists lowest points. When life is sharper and you can see true emotion. You feel it in your bones. Sometimes songs you've heard a million times, and thought were beautiful, are suddenly tainted in tears.
One of the strongest things in loss is not feeling like yourself. It happens in a second. The old version of you is gone. You can never go back. They are life shattering moments because you die in that moment, and are brought back as a different version of yourself. I know this because I was struggling with the version of me that was left after Kimmy's loss. Its frustrating to get used to someone you don't recognize in the mirror. And I really truly don't recognize me.
In the physical sense, that went from pregnant to mourning overnight. My face losing the weight it had been putting on creating life. The tiredness showing, because even though I am sleeping, I am not at peace. I have aged decades in weeks. The face that used to be so joyful is broken. It no longer remembers how to smile. When I do, I can see the false force behind it, willing it not to crack. The side that no longer cares if I brush my hair, I prefer to look like shit, because I feel like shit. Its the only trueness I can represent.
In the emotional side, that no longer knows who I am. I was a mother of three children, but now I only have two. I had created life and knew it, but no longer have it. Lost emotionally and physically. I don't know what my identity is in ever way. Im unraveling daily to reveal this newness that is trying desperately to survive. But with each moment of acceptance of that, I lose more of my old self.
And I know I will never get her back. I am changed. Like time changes us all. But mine is in warp speed and I cannot keep up. Who is that girl that used to be me. I miss her too.
These lyrics were so profound to me the first time I broke into a new version. The in between version. Not quite the old Alissa who was so blissfully unaware of true heartbreak. The one who felt loss but was learning its ways. I felt I was just seeing glimpses I recognized right before this. Feeling like myself again, even though I knew I had changed. Now when I hear them I KNOW them. I'm living them.
It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
I still remember that girl
She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew
Here is the entire song. It really is a dark beautiful melody. A brokenness tied together. Though there is still lines that don't apply to me, because no one will fully understand someone else's pain in the same way. I still love the sentiment behind it. Maybe if you've heard it before, you will hear it differently. Maybe I've ruined it for you now. If its the first time listening, maybe it will always remind you of me, and those hurting in your life. I'm sorry, and you're welcome.
We're all going to miss who we used to be at some point in life.
with love, lissa