Stay with me here, Im about to get a little nerdy tonight. I was just watching Doctor Who, my favorite show. I think there is something I always related to in it, in the pain of so much loss, trying to make the world a better place, and running away from it all. I have watched each episode so many times. And yet with life experiences constantly changing us, we see things in a new way all the time. The season I am currently watching has one main 'enemy' The Silence. An aptly named creature that is both terrifying and mysterious. And once you look away from it, you don't remember it. It's advantage is avoidance. Sound familiar? It behaves much like our society does with grief.
Many people who are grieving a stillborn loss will tell you the worst part of the experience is the silence. When a baby is brought into the world, it is with so much noise. Screams in labor, sounds of a Csection, always followed with cries from a baby. I have been in that moment. It is expected, a given, Your brain, even if it is the first time delivering a child, your brain KNOWS this is the way. So when you give birth and there is only Silence that follows, its the worst sound possible. A lack of sound, a lack of life. It is both silent and deafening at the same time.
Because the silence is so traumatic, anything else that represents silence is like PTSD. And often in grief many people feel silenced in the aftermath of such an event. people who want to support stay silent because they are afraid to say the wrong thing, so instead they say nothing. Of course there is wrong things to say, but knowing that they are usually meant with love, softens them a bit. I am lucky in that the people around me have let me be unusually open with my grief, and they are apparently unusually vocal about their support. Im told in every grief book that our society does not like to be so open about grief, but we are changing. I can see it, because I am living it, and my friends and family are defying this logic that grief experts are writing.
I feel, possibly in vain, that that is what my writing achieves. With each post it brings more understanding to this world I am living. Something that you cannot grasp until you live it. But for how staggeringly common it is, it should, and deserves to be talked about much more. It brings a voice to the people who are silenced in their grief. It helps those wanting to reach out to loved ones living similar stories, know that silence is not the answer. It is not ever the answer. We who have experienced the silence in a way that only stillbirth can be so absolute in, have had too much of it.
So fight the urge to stay silent. It takes so little to be of comfort to someone in these times of trials. Someone simply commented tonight on one of my instagram posts, "We love you. We hear you, and we hurt with you. Keep Sharing friend." It is so freeing when you feel able to express these feelings. All of them, the happy ones and the horrible ones. I know myself being able to constantly share this experience, and not feel judged, has brought so much healing. I am sad for the people who do not feel they can do the same. I have felt nothing but support in this outlet to deal with grief.
I hope if you are reading this, you find the courage to do the same. As a griever, to start sharing your stories, so people know they are not alone. And as a supporter, to give those you love that are grieving, what they truly need. For there to be no more silence in their lives. Do not look away from the grief and turn silent. Remember it, remember them, break the silence.
Now I'll go back to falling asleep watching Doctor who. Another enemy vanquished. As I drift off to sleep, it continues to play in the back ground, because I still can't stand the silence.
with love, lissa