Tonight against all my silent pleading, my children picked Coco to watch. Every night since May, we all climb into bed together and watch a movie, Max drifts off to sleep, and this is usually when Sawyer talked about Anna with me. So I especially knew it was coming after a movie with this topic. I hadn't ever seen the movie before, so I avoided the first half. I thought it would be too hard to watch a movie about death. I caught a glimpse of a scene with a little girl on the other side, and it crushed me.
I did however catch just enough at the end to see that the message is about keeping the memory alive after death. Continuing to talk about and love our family beyond their passing. It made me feel just in wanting to talk about Anna, even though the topic of her makes others around me uncomfortable.
Sawyer asks a lot of questions about death right now. This isn't an uncharted territory with him. He talks to me about Anna a lot. Sometimes he even talks to others about it. Earlier this week, without a cause, he looked at me and somberly said, "Mom, I really miss Anna, I really wanted a baby to take care of." I told him he was the best big brother, and its ok to miss her. Then he asked when we have another baby, can he be called a super big brother. He had decided since Max was being promoted to big brother, he would be promoted to BIG big brother. And he's sad that isn't happening. So next time, he will be a super big brother, and that will keep the baby alive. I often question myself for ways I could have changed the outcome, this statement from him made me wonder if he feels the same way. His tiny heart trying to learn life's biggest lessons well before he should be.
When Coco ended I expected a similar question. But instead he asked about my Grandpa. I had paused a question he had in Calgary, and he remembered it after the movie. Before Anna's death, I tried to shelter my child from the topic of death. He never knew my Grandpa, and so I didn't know how to bring his story up, specifically to Sawyer. But as we sat across from my Grandma on one of the last days, Sawyer looked at my innocently and asked where my Grandpa was. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't know how to continue telling him about death. Brandon's Grandpa had died while we were there, and Sawyer was putting together the pieces of death and family. So I told him simply that he was gone too. I told him I would tell him about Crazy Grandpa one day soon.
Today was that day. I told him I loved Crazy Grandpa. That we called him that because he did lots of silly fun things. Just like him and Max like to be crazy. He was crazy amazing. I told him that Max is named after him. Because I loved him so much that I wanted to remember him every day. Sawyer asked if I had pictures, he is my kid after all. So I pulled up the last photo's I have of my Grandpa. A photo of my sister and I with him in the hospital. And then the conversation took another deep spiral.
He asked who was beside my grandpa. I said, "you know who that is? Its Auntie Jibby." And without skipping a beat he said, "O I didn't know because her smile is different now." I was speechless. He's 6 and he's picking up things that some adults don't realize. Her smile is different. I see it, but most people don't. He did. He noticed that my Grandma doesn't live with my Grandpa. He notices which songs on the radio remind me distinctly of Anna or kimmy. He notices when I am sad.
He also noticed in the movie, that its ok to love someone after they are gone. When he said his goodnights tonight. A routine where he says "I love you" to all the special things in his life. He started with "I love you baby Anna." And it didn't make me sad. It made me proud that this little soul is mine. We have raised him in a way that his compassion and understanding of life, is at levels some people will never achieve. And he is only six years old. I feel quite unsure of my motherhood these days. But tonight was a reminder that I've done some things right.