I opened my FB today, and saw a picture of a beautiful family smiling back at me. It was the cover for a GoFundMe page. You see them all the time. Tragedy is never restless.
I know my brain is in shock still, trying to protect my heart. It took me a minute, really it did. To realize that was my family. I never wanted to be there, staring back from a screen. Perfectly dressed in matching outfits and smiles. I never wanted to be this family. You read a terrible story about and think, gosh Im glad that's not me.
With each share came a story about how someone knew this family. It took me a long time to build friendships. And now I have them from all walks of life. All over the world people began to share Anna's story. I told a friend it was overwhelming at times, to hear people speak so kindly of me. That I never knew how much I meant to the world. She replied, "You have an army you built with love and support for others, and now they are here for you." I brought me to tears.
Beyond the GoFundMe which has been incredibly giving, friends have organized a whole meal train, send packages of the most thoughtful things, send messages all through the day and night to comfort me, and even if I don't reply, sometimes I just don't have enough to give words back, its still nice to reach out. They try to visit, though Im not the greatest companion right now, and turn down a lot of visitors. I am at the center of a whirlwind of people trying to help in a helpless situation.
A good friend who has been there since Sawyer had his cranio surgery, gifted our family tickets to the Golden Knights Stanley Cup game this week. But I couldn't bear the thought of stepping outside this house yet. I am cocooned in safety if I stay here my brain tells me. Instead Brandon took Sawyer to his first hockey game. He has been robbed of the joy of a baby sister, so it warmed my heart to see his huge smile with his Dad. Continuing to make memories as we trudge through this darkness together.
There has been so much given to our family in time, food, gifts and kindness. I open messages to "I dropped something at your doorstep this morning" more days than not. Each one knowing they can't change what happened, or fix this broken heart. But they are chosen with such careful thought. Brandon has opened every one before me, just in case there would be something to upset me. He is so caring in so many ways. Then he carries them up to the bedroom and hopes one will bring that smile back to my face. And even though they are all so lovely and many are things I will treasure for the rest of my life, sometimes they make me feel guilty too. That I am only receiving these things because of this loss. I would do anything to not own these tender gifts of love.
I'm going to list some of the gifts we've received only because it may be helpful to know what things to send someone in this position. If I don't list something, its not that it wasn't immensely appreciated, they all are because they come with such love. I simply am being overwhelmed with love and forgetfulness is a physical attribute to grief. (I literally lost myself in the middle of that sentence because I forgot the word forgetful.)
The first thing that arrived was flowers. And while I have never loved receiving flowers because it was a reminder that all things died. Somehow these flowers were all reminders of beauty in the world too. And the feminine side of life. And even though they were sometimes painful reminders. I too have grown fond of seeing them around the house. A little beauty in such pain.
This gift was so simple, unexpected and brought my to tears instantly. Brandon's aunt sent it, and it happened to arrive the day we came home from the hospital. I sat in the car unable to get out by myself because of the surgery. I had dreaded coming home. And I sat in the driveway and opened this small gift. Wrapped in simple white was a gift with the writing, "For your many tears." Inside was a simple white handkerchief. With anna's name and her birth date. I would have NEVER thought of this to give someone grieving. But what a timeless keepsake it is.
Gifts that can be worn are a wonderful daily reminder. Maybe Not everyone likes the constant reminder, but I do. I even have the only doll I ever bought her, sitting in the room right now. Not because it makes me sad, but because it reminds me of the feeling I had when I bought it. Like everything was ahead of me and happy. I feel the same way about the jewelry, they are happy reminders of what I had been hoping and waiting for. Everyone grieves differently, but for me I like feeling it ALL. If some days it makes me cry all day, thats fine too. Thats just how grief works for me. These pieces are something I can touch and see daily. They make her memory real.
This is especially essential for a grieving mom. Something people don't think about. You know there is no baby, but your body doesn't. So to add insult to injury, rub salt in a gaping wound, and bring even more physical pain while recovering from major surgery, you milk comes in. I actually thought I was having a reaction to my pain meds because my shortness of breath and pain in my chest. Nope just the milk coming in. A friend of mine is a midwife and brought this care package to the hospital right away. The bottom was covered in cabbage, because if you don't know, that old wives tale is absolutely true. I remembered thing why is sudafed in here? And even if this wasn't the intended use, I remember crying so much one day and realizing, o this will help clear my sinuses that are like a faucet right now.
The blankets. Not gonna lie, I wont have to buy another for a long time. But I do love them all. I find the weight on me right now comforting. So pile them on. A friend wrapped one around me and announced it was a hug from her to me. This one was especially sentimental And currently hanging on the chair in her nursery. Not only because its a beautiful keepsake. But because it also benefits an adoptive foundation with each purchase. It will be my new go to baby gift. I wish I could have wrapped Anna in it.
Gosh this post is getting lengthy and I haven't even covered half of it. I might have to break this into two posts. Especially because people continue to send care packages. Book for me, for the kids, food is in crazy abundance, a package of my favorite things. You all know I love baths, because I have bath bombs and salt for the rest of my life, or a month. I have thought it was especially kind to receive gifts for the boys. It gave everyone some moments of peace while they played with new cars, and gave them some joy. Candles, cream & Starbucks cards. Someone even gave me a super soft pair of pjs. But this is the most important.
Time.
What a simple concept. But its the most valuable. I have had two friends make time during their vacations that happened to line up that week. I have friends and family who have taken the boys anywhere and everywhere. Friends who have sat and just rubbed my legs when the skin was SO tight from swelling that it hurt to just stand on them. Even the little messages I wake up to that say, I don't know what to say. Even if I don't respond, I read them all. Time is something you cannot buy, but if you genuinely give it, can be the most meaningful gift of all.
with love, lissa