I liked to consider myself a happy person. Despite everything that had happened in the past. I loved just quiet days with the kids and endless smiles over simplicity. I didn't have huge dreams in life. I simply wanted a happy marriage and happy kids. I wanted to be a mother more than anything. And at the top of that dream, I wanted a daughter.
It wasn't a secret. And I do love my boys like no other. And they love me fiercely in return. But let's not be stupid. There is a difference in boys and girls. And I wanted that difference. When they told me those three magics words, "Its a girl," my world stopped. I thought it was too good to be true.
8 months later, it was.
This is worse than never having a daughter at all. I had made peace with that, if that was my life story. But letting your heart sore with all the dreams of the future, is hard to real back when "Its a girl" and with "there's no heartbeat."
After all the doctor appts, ultrasounds, tests, everything was going well enough that I began to buy clothes. We started building a nursery. One month away, I thought we had made it through any scary moments and that this was home free. A baby shower to top it all off. With each tiny outfit I pulled out, I could see her in it. I could see all these moments. They were so close.
Even that day walking up to the hospital. I still couldn't imagine anything but her being ok. I thought we might have a baby, or they would tell me I was being paranoid. But at the end of the day I would still have my baby. She was mine. We were already there. We were in a safe place.
Now she is gone.
Have you ever reached your highest dream in life? Its not usually done. But here I was with two amazing boys, waiting with excitement to be a big brother to a sister. A husband who supported me, and I supported him with his dreams. We were doing it together. All of us. And she was part of it. She was the literal bow coming into our lives to tie it all together.
And now I am left to pick up the pieces instead. I wonder what happened? Why me? Why this late? Why when I was so attached already? Why couldn't they save her? She was full term. They save babies her size all the time. The haunting words my OB said, "She was absolutely healthy." Then why?
She was this piece of my life already. Always will be. The thing that gave me hope after being hopeless. This light at the end of the tunnel. She made me dream of the future. Maybe it was too much weight for one person, one tiny person, to carry.
with love, lissa