I’m sorry if my openness is offending or making anyone uncomfortable. This is me and I’ve never shy’d away from wearing my heart on my sleeve. I’m working through the hardest experience of my life, and documenting it is the only thing I have control over.
These are one week apart. I took weekly photos of this growing belly. She was the third baby. I was so bad at doing it some weeks. But I wanted to make sure I documented this week. Not knowing it was the last week. I could have been the last photo of me alive.
Sometimes I hated my body and how big and fat it was getting. Im not the girl who loves being pregnant. I endure it for the end results. And this pregnancy was by far the worst. I made light of it over the fact I was 7 years older than the first time. And how close it was to being over. I only have one video of her kicking. It was more out of peace of mind that I liked her kicks. It meant she was ok. But I didn't enjoy it. I wish I had. I wish I had taken video after video of her tender limbs growing in me and showing me she was alive. I didn't know.
But now I truly hate it, and feel it has betrayed me in so many ways. I still look like I’m pregnant, but it’s disappearing faster than it ever did with previous pregnancies. And I don't know which is more painful. That its so fresh it looks like she could be inside. Or how fast all evidence that she was here, is gone. It feels truly empty. Emotionally, and the lack of her moving inside me. The fact that she was completely healthy and my body killed her. The if only's pile up faster than my mind can think them. She COULD be here but she's not.
The milk that naturally came in to feed my baby that was already gone. I thought I was having a reaction to my pain meds. Scared of overdose because I have seen that route, I cut back on them even though I was in such pain. Only to find out my body who had killed my child, was now reminding me of her absence. And it too was painful to get rid of. This road has so many emotional tolls on it. Far beyond just the loss of a child. It's a constantly awareness I cannot forget.
with love, lissa