I am told time will soften even these feelings. That once again I will find joy in the days. The smiles will come easier. I wont find the seconds drag for years. Adding decades to the pain on my face. I am told these things, and I know these things because I have walked grief before. I know you will get there. Its just too far away to see.
Dear Alissa of the future
I hope in a year, there is moments of peace. That you can talk of Anna without your voice cracking, letting the tears being held back, flow freely. I hope your relationships with those closest to you, have become more special than humanly thought. Broken down to a new level. Something most people will never truly be able to appreciate. I hope your smile lines are once again deepening with true joy, contrasted by the deepest sorrow. I hope you get back to things like reading for fun instead of trying to understand complex emotions. I hope you find yourself letting go and enjoying every moment of those amazing boys in your life. The two little smiles that cared for you beyond their years, if tiny hugs could heal broken hearts, they would have done it in the earliest days. Wise beyond years, I hope Sawyer is no longer used to seeing you cry every single day. It's ok to cry still, but I hope it is not the crying that brings you to your knee's every morning, afternoon, and night. I hope Max gets to be the big brother he so badly wanted to be. Just like his idol, Sawyer. I know one day he will get to live that dream, and you will find such joy in giving that gift again. I hope Brandon still holds your hand in only a way two people who have held a still child can hold each other. I hope you find healing together, and even on the bad days, because there will always be bad days, you will remember his immense love for you. How close he came to losing you, and how he worried in those early days that even though you didn't die, he still lost you. I hope you choose to live life again. To really live. I know right now it seem's like existing is all thats possible. But I hope you find your way soon. That you relish in the way Anna changed the world with her brief moment on this earth. How she brought such amazing good to the world that is so broken. In giving life through blood donations, spreading kindness and love, and bringing people together around the world. She is the most amazing daughter. I will still wish I could be kissing her perfect face, that I am sure will never go away, no matter the years that pass. But I hope most of all you find that life is in the waiting. We wait for so many things, and as I learned the hard way, not all things are given at the end of the waiting. Why did I wish away the in between of pregnancy, when it was the best time I will ever have with Anna. So I beg you not to do it again. Even though the pain of counting down the first year, and every year after will be more than most can bear, I hope you can find that life is still good. That the best people are the ones who have been broken and continue to rise. I hope you find healing, even though it seems impossible. I hope those rainbows come after this storm that has raged too long on your heart. I love you, the person you used to be, and the new one you didn't have a choice on becoming.
You have made it through all the firsts. Mile stone markers that right now you cannot imagine breathing through. But you will do it all. You will become the you you were meant to be and no one else could ever be. You listened to this song tonight and it gave you strength to hope for the future. Something that these days seems an impossible feat. I hope it brings you the same comfort as you cross off the first of my years to come, never forgotten, always changed. Always missing. But possibly finding life in the waiting.
Written on June 15 2018
Being scheduled to post on May 20 2019
with love, lissa