A year ago I was unaware of this nationally recognized day. I can’t call it a holiday because to celebrate it, you need to have lost a child. A requirement I wish I was blissfully unaware of, like I was with the first Sunday of May last year.
I’m torn about how I feel recognizing this day. I feel like it puts the bereaved Mother in a corner and lets society label a day all its own, to keep the depressing emotions out of the real Mother’s Day. But let me assure you, these are the mothers that have earned and deserve to be celebrated on that one day of the year. They made the hardest sacrifice to be called mother. And they will never hear their child use that name. So it is important for people in their lives to remember that particular absence.
By all means I think having a day specialized for the loss mom is a step in the right direction. A reminder to people who don’t have to live this pain daily, that there is so many triggering holidays and things to miss out on after the loss of a child. But I don’t believe it should replace a holiday meant for mothering, just because their child isn’t here anymore.
We continue to raise our children in any way possible after their deaths. We don’t move on from their loss, we carry them with us. And that takes a heavy toll on a heart. Last year on mother’s day I was celebrated for the 3 little souls I mothered in my life. I hope that because her heart no longer beats, she and I are still remembered and celebrated for the relationship of child and mother.
With each pregnancy & birth I believe our children change us. Therefore Anna’s birth made me into a new mother for the third time. Even though the world will only see 2 celebrate with me next Sunday. While I am comforted that there is a recognized bereaved Mother’s Day, my hope is that it doesn’t replace the actual Mother’s Day. We deserve both, as we have earned both titles of bereaved, and mother.
Today I hope this community celebrates the survival of child loss. The love that is maintained beyond the grave. The ability to work through trauma that most will never know. And next week continue to celebrate that love, the relationship we had and cherished, and still long for. The pieces of it we are able to still see blossom. They made us mothers, and it is a title that once given, will never be lost.
With love, Lissa