6 years ago Sawyer had the craziest intense surgery. We had been living in Las Vegas for 4 years. He was in the PICU for 6 days. We had a total of 5 visitors. Brandon, my mom, his sister, and 3 mom's I had play dates with. At that point in my life I felt terribly isolated. I had immigrated to a country where I had no friends and family. I was straight up asking strangers for playdates at the playground. Which is SO far out of my comfort zone, but that's how desperate I was.
{ps, that never worked. I got a lot of phone numbers and a whole lot of no answers}
In May, Brandon had to enforce a rule of having no visitors. He had people non stop trying to come see us. We had to cancel meals because too many people had signed up for our meal train. The mailbox has skipped a day without a package of well wishes. I went from feeling like I had no one, to feeling overwhelmed with friends. It was almost shocking. It's one of the strongest emotions I have tied to the first days of this journey. I just kept saying to Brandon, that I genuinely didn't know I was so deeply loved by so many people.
I think people felt more free to tell me, or show me love. Because they realize it could have been a forever regret of having not said it. I think a lot of people were invested in my healing and joy of Anna after Kimmy's grief. They are feeling a sense of loss as well.
I felt loved on the day before, Anna's shower. But this is just different. It makes me stop through out a lot of days because a message will pop up and it always seem's to come at the right time, with the right words. I can't even remember them all to share how amazing this feeling is.
I have friends of all kinds now. I have the one I knew from the first house I remember. Who knew me when I was the littlest girl. Who's friendship has traveled so many distances. And survived long before technology made it easy. We sent old fashion pen and paper until the world kept up with our love. Now she sends me playlists in hard times from china, a weighted pillow from etsy slash Malasia, and quotes from around Asia as she travels, but never forgets me.
I have a friend I met over a community post, who I invited into my house to try nails for the first time. Instant friends. When she moved away I was so sad to lose that. Only I didn't. She was one of the biggest parts of the blood drive. She was part of the baby shower. She was part of the good and bad, the joy and sorrow. Packages arrive from Germany almost at a weekly routine.
I have a friend who has told me she hates to spend time in cars, but she's willing to do the 22 hour road trip with me. I have multiple friends who have said they do like driving and want to take her place. I had to tell friends not to get on planes around the world, just to be HERE. I have friends who text me encouraging words randomly, not when I need it, but just to remind me. I have friends who I've never met before that feel like family over the internet. I have friends I haven't spoken to in years, times flown by, that tell me they think about me all the time now. I have friends I was on cheer teams with for a short period of my life, now scattered across the globe, donating in Anna's name. I so many friends who sent thoughtful gifts and cards that I have an album of 293 images so I don't forget these acts of kindness.
And now I have friends who I would have never known had May 20 been a regular day. Some knew this pain before me and were able to hold my hand those first days. And I wondered how they could possibly feel healed enough from this loss, to help someone else through the same. I have some who also call May their time stamp. I have some who said my voice is heard after they have been silenced in their loss for years. I have more that join me every day. These are friendships that are born in tragedy and carried in each other. They are so strong already, I feel like facing my fears of flying and hoping on a plane so I can just hug them in real life instead of over instagram. We have lost family members, so we have become each others families.
There is so many more I wish I could describe, but I could simply talk about it endlessly. I remember the days I couldn't do that. And that life brought me here to this place when I needed it most. Don't ever think you are insignificant in my life. Every single message sent has been a stitch in my shattered heart. It is in a million pieces, but I can feel a million people behind me. Each picking up a piece to try and mend it.
If you have been a friend to me in the last 6 weeks. If you even read my posts silently and think to yourself how amazing life is, because you know "this girl on instagram living through hell." If you are part of my pod, my tribe, my mom friends, my neighbors, my friends, my family, and especially my NEW friends, {I need a word for our loss club,} Thank you for loving me. through May 20 and beyond. My world is better because you are here with me.
with love, lissa