Today was my hardest hello & worst goodbye. In 12 hours my life changed more than I could have imagined. Yesterday was the best day ever. We celebrated this baby and her newness. The entire day was perfect.
This morning I thought it had been awhile since I felt her move. I tried the usual tricks and thought I was overreacting. I drove myself to urgent care and they wouldn’t even admit me because I was so far along. Instead they sent me to drive myself all the way to summerlin. I felt fine but started having pain, and I wondered if I was in labor. I thought to myself, we can’t have a baby today, I’m not ready. My worst fear pulling up to the hospital, was having a preemie too early. I never imagined there was something worse waiting.
I walked into L&D and they told me to check in, the nurses kept talking to each other. 30 seconds later I cried out as I lost my vision, dropped the clipboard and started to crumble to the floor. I went in and out of consciousness. I heard the words, no heartbeat, and started going into shock. At this point I had only thought about the baby. But someone yelled to get my husband in and started cutting all my clothes off viciously. There was about 20 people around my head in an absolute panic. I kept asking about Brandon and my mom. I remember thinking someone looked like my OB but he couldn’t possibly have gotten there that fast, he was in his Sunday church suit and tie. He had been at a service across the street. They estimated I lost 2L of blood. I didn’t know it at the time, that it is half your body’s blood supply. The doctor told me in over ten years he’s never seen someone come that close to death and survive. He told me it through tears.
Someone managed to get Brandon on the phone. He only made it to the OR minutes before they cut into me. I drifted in and out. I thought I was dying most of the time. But with a calmness about me. The light at the end of the tunnel visions happened. I felt like I was watching the universe tell me it’s whole story and my ending. And then I would open my eyes to Brandon’s crying over me. I must have asked him 100 times what was happening and if I lost the baby. He had to tell me 100 times, and I kept asking thinking it would be a different answer this time.
We lost the baby before I even set foot in the hospital. We could never have known. And I was in such a critical stage, they couldn’t even attemp to save her. They told me I would have died at home had I not come in. Driving myself to the hospital in their eyes was a miracle. They couldn’t believe I got myself here, and didn’t come in an abulance. They told me if I had come in just 5 min later, I likely would have died. I am facing immense grief and gratitude at the same time.
The next hours are even more of a blur as I tried to process what had happened. They asked me if I wanted to see her, and I really wasn’t sure. But when they did bring her in, I was hit with an overwhelming sense of how perfect and close we were to this baby. 4 pounds 2 oz, 17 inches. Babies survive so much smaller, why couldn’t mine. The what if’s set in fast. I held her all day. I took pictures endlessly. We would never get another chance.
My mom flew in from Canada and arrived at 9pm. After a year of grieving, the one piece of joy in 2017 was gone. Nothing seems real. We sent her home to Sawyer and Max and I took one nap with Anna Mae. The only one I’ll ever get. We went from celebrating a baby shower, to planning a funeral in 24 hours. We had to make decisions a parent should never have to, cremation or burial, Which funeral home. And the hardest, when we would finally call them to come get her. We kept her until 1am. 12 short hours we had with her. They will never seem enough, and they felt like seconds.
Handing her over was one of the hardest things I’ll ever do. How do you say goodbye to a miracle you created, and had inside of you that morning. It’s simply unfair. Brandon has been a rock the entire day and held me as I sobbed. He’s had to do that too many times in our marriage. Another moment burned into my memory.
And now I sit in a hospital bed at 3am wondering how I got here. Brandon is sleeping and they keep telling me to. But I’m so afraid I’ll close my eyes and never open them again. I came that close to losing my life, children, and husband today. And what I did lose was unimaginable. I think I’m still in shock but realization is creeping in. This next year will be even more painful than the last. She was bringing such healing and hope. Instead we face our biggest challenge. The loss of a child. 💔
with love, lissa