4 days ago I walked inside those doors with a baby. Today I stepped through them without her. The hardest walk of my life.
I will not wake up at 3am tonight to feed a crying baby.
I will not spend a small fortune on formula this month.
I will not change diaper after diaper for years.
Or do laundry for a lifetime.
These are thoughts that are just beginning to creep in. These things parents find hard & annoying, I would give anything to experience right now. 💔
I thought my biggest fear that day was delivering a preemie baby. I thought that was the worst thing that was going to happen. I didn’t even think it was that bad. I thought I was over reacting about the entire situation. I wasn’t ready for it. If I wasn’t ready for that, how am I supposed to face this now.
Walking through those doors meant facing my worst reality. In the hospital there is a routine, vitals rounds, a heart monitor to give me comfort when I sleep. There is almost a pause button in the hospital. I didn't have to face any of this if I didn't want to. But now there is nothing. Literally nothing. My arms are empty leaving the maternity ward.
My heart empty.
When I walked through those doors the heat from the vegas summer hit me. The signs of life going on around me. My world had stopped spinning, but the rest of the world was unaffected. And if you've never felt loss or grief before, its like an over whelming slap in the face. I wish there was a sign around my neck that said, "this is the worst day of my life." Something that would signify that I cant smile at people like I used to 5 days ago. That my feet are only moving one step in front of the other because someone is pulling me forward, though I protest with every part of my being.
I walked through these doors 5 days ago with the life ahead of me. I almost lost it. I survived. And now I have to continue to survive without my life ahead of me.
with love, lissa