I didn't know what to title this post. That single word seems so jarring. But then I guess it accurately describes the definition. Today is world suicide awareness day. Something I didn't know before this year. Both the date and the thoughts.
Though I have dealt with anxiety my entire life, and I had faced things in my past. I have never suffered from depression. Until I was diagnosed with post partum depression, without a baby. Thats a whole entity on its own.
I have heard numerous times that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." In fact its been said to me about this experience already. And while that's a nice notion, its really something people believe when they themselves haven't gone through the worst experience of their lives. Because I distinctly remember looking at the sky last year and saying THAT was all I could handle. My threshold was at capacity.
And if it was true, suicide wouldn't exist.
Instead its the 10th leading cause of death in the US. About 123 people end their lives each day.
This is the line where I tell you I could have been one of those 123 on the statistics line. Another number. Like Anna was.
Because I never suffered from depression during my 30 years, I always dealt with trials in a clear headed mind. Which is why I could take on whatever came my way. But when the fog of grief sets in first, it leaves no room for logic. Instead the only things that made their way through that fog were even darker and deeper. The first time I thought about it, it wasn't a scary thought. That came after when it settled in, what my mind had whispered to itself.
It took until July 19 for that thought to slip in. It has taken me until now to share the words I wrote that day. - "I had my first suicidal thought today. It was raining. I have always felt at one with the summer storms. I imagined walking out the back door without turning back. Feeling my bare feet in the long soft grass. Setting foot on the wooden dock as it bounced under the weight of my body. Too much weight. The body after birth, and yet I remain without a child. Without hesitation taking a single step into the water. Its silent, like her birth. I don't float, I sink immediately, with the heaviness of grief. The coldness seeps into me. It matches my heart in depth of despair and death. I don't imagine choking on the water at all. Lightning strikes the water, illuminating me one last time. My body rolls with waves, as thunder rolls above. Relief is what it screams, as I drown. It seems peaceful like a slow motion dream. Its seems like mercy in my broken mind. Someone says something to the right of me and I am snapped back into a harsher reality. The thought drifts away on another tear. I don't think anyone noticed, if they did, they certainly don't know what just took place inside me. Ive never had a suicidal thought before. I thought I never would. Im not as strong as I once was. But its the weakness that stops me from actually turning that handle, and following that path in my head."
I didn't think I would ever share those words. But much like stillbirth, I feel that suicide is a taboo topics our society shies away from, instead of learning to understand. This is not the only suicidal thoughts I have written down. I'm sure it won't be the last. The difference is that I know I won't act on them. Because I have worked through them at my worst already. But many cannot do that. Many people believe in the words and the relief that is planted between the lines. I almost died on May 20, it didn't give me extra perspective, or appreciation of living. Instead I know it was easy to die that day. It has been incredibly hard to live every day since.
And I have only been in this battle for 16 weeks. I now know that life doesn't always seem like the better half. I came into this with a strong heart and mind. But attacking it, or it attacking me while I am in pieces has been a different kind of knowledge. I have never personally lost anyone to suicide. I hope I don't have to. But I believe the only way to drop these statistics, is to start acknowledging that it is just as threatening to our loved ones as a disease. It can happen to anyone given the right circumstances. I truly believed I would NEVER have a suicidal thought. Much of my anxiety before, and still, stems from dying. And yet there I was, not in control of my own thoughts, but listening intently to them.
I don't know what the solution is. There is surely no quick fix. But maybe if we didn't brush off peoples sadness, always wishing to whisk happiness back in as soon as possible. Maybe if we let people sit in their true emotions, and listened to them on that level, maybe people wouldn't turn inside to listen to those thoughts. I know myself, in those moments, I wasn't going to go to a stranger on a hotline. But I am lucky enough to have a space that exists, that I can bring these things in the darkest of times. And when they just listen and don't have some platitude to thow at it, it makes a difference.
We need to be there for those who are struggling. I couldn't prevent Anna's death. But sharing her story saved 2 babies the same fate. Breaking down that wall of things that "shouldn't be talked about" WHY? Because it makes people uncomfortable, because its sad. Trust me, those emotions will be magnified by death. So lets raise awareness. Let's be honest and tell our whole stories. Let's make taboo normal. So that no one feels alone, and without a place to turn. Let's listen to our friends all the time, not just in the easy times.
If you don't know where to start, I saw a movement of wearing yellow or writing the word love across your wrist, to show you stand against suicide and for your loved ones. It's a small step in the right direction. You can find support in all kinds of ways here. And you can always reach out and let someone know you care, for no other reason, than you care.
with love, lissa
* Im simply speaking from my heart. I know this post will have scared people about my well being. But maybe that's the point. You never know who is fighting inner demons at that depth. I am in a better place mentally than I was when writing that entry.