I know its so cliche.
You never know when it will be the last time.
You don't want the last thing you say to someone you love, be anger.
Its cliche because its true.
I so wish I didn't know it. I know it well. I know the guilt that comes with wishing you could go back and say the words you felt, but were too stubborn, tired, emotional, to say. I know regret in unspoken words. I wish I could turn back time for so many reasons lately. This is one of them.
I was fighting with kimmy, really when wasn't I? That's the nature of sisters, and worse, loving an addict. I was fighting with her when it happened. In the moment's you hear someone is gone, your brain tries to reverse until the last time you saw that person. Because IT can't possibly be true, if you can recall them in detail recently. And deep seeded guilt, that will never go away, is what happens when the last conversation you had was in anger, when you wish it was in love.
Sometimes I even miss that anger. I miss anything that could feel like I was talking to my version of Kimmy again. Though she is physically here, she is mentally gone. And what is a person without their personality you have grown to love. I try, and we forge a new relationship. I have lost her the same as in death, but I don't have last words from her. Just last words to her. And they are sad and angry.
My last words to Anna are always a repeated "Im so sorry." Because she was already gone when I realized there was last words to be said. So much left unsaid. A lifetime. But I do not have regret and guilt, because she was truly loved her whole life. She was whispered dreams of the future I hoped we would share. She felt hugged every day by my body. She never lacked for what she needed. I spoke to her only in kindness and love.
Do you see the difference. Imagine if we treated everyone like the children we love. Because inside, aren't we all still children, so young in the grande scheme of life, always learning, always wanting. Our society is so quick to age us. It is always making us look too far ahead instead of letting us live in the moment. Which makes us inpatient. Which leads to anger. We so easily tell each other how terrible life is, how slow the traffic was, how long the lines were, how crappy the service was. We spread negative thoughts like crazy.
What if instead, we told each other how much they meant to us. We complimented things we genuinely liked, instead of staying silent. If we were kind to the world, would we see it reciprocated back to us. The answer is YES. I find myself talking to so many people these days. I try to make sure I am telling them in return, how much their love means to me. In so many ways. In thank you's. In photo's of memories. In stories we share and smile about.
I am trying to be a kinder person. You can too. It doesn't take much, but it means everything.
Because its true, you don't know which moment will be someone's last. Wouldn't you want to remember it in love. If it was your last moment, wouldn't you want to be remembered in kindness. If I had died that day, would I have that. I want to make sure its true.
with love, lissa