There has been a lot of sayings I used to like, and currently hate. Don't ever utter the words "everything happens for a reason" to me ever again. I've already heard it, and its like a sledge hammer to my heart. Never say never, however is as true as ever.
When you become parents its easy to slip into this ideal future you are preparing for. You make assumptions about this life you know nothing about. My kids are NEVER going to do that. I am NEVER going to be that parent. It doesn't matter what it is, we think we know best and we say the word never, thinking that will help us stick to these terms. Everything is an ultimatum.
Until you're in it. And you're world shifts. You realize what is important and what isn't. Sometimes you can manage to be the perfect parents you wanted to be. Other times you look around at your house that is destroyed by the tiny humans you created willingly, and it isn't worth the battle. You guys want to live in this mess, only wearing underwear, and watching youtube for hours today? Sure, maybe I'll throw some food at you and hope it lands inside your mouth, if not, o well. Remember how you all used to call me the pinterest mom? Well this is my parenting style these days. Never say never. Parenting is one giant, "I'll never do that," followed by realizing you are doing that. Sometimes it takes years, sometimes it takes days. But compromise is your friend. Pick your battles. There is such a war going on in my life, that Im not even engaging in battles anymore.
I remember saying I could NEVER be the mom who's kid had to go through surgery. Took 4 months into motherhood to cross that never off the list. I could never handle boys, I have two children and both are boys. I was never going to let them have an ipad, does the kindle fire make that true? Nah because we all need that break sometimes. I was never going to move away from Calgary, I moved away to another country. Are you seeing the theme here? I felt like I was NEVER going to get to be a mother to a daughter. This one is crushing, I thought it was the NEVER you are so happy to take out of your vocabulary, instead of the ones you thought you would stick to. Now the never of a girl comes creeping back in. I was the mom who thought, "I could never handle losing a child." Never say never.
Today I crossed another NEVER off my list. I will never get a tattoo. I felt so stronly about it, until suddenly I needed a permanent reminder of someone I can't physically see anymore. Brandon's cousin is a talented artist that I have been admiring for awhile. And she happened to be driving through Las vegas today. I only gave her 1 week notice, and it happened to line up this way. I already knew what I wanted. Its sentimental in ever way. And when I told her, and she sent the preview I felt so good about it. Remember I can't make any decisions lately? Well this, I was finally sure of.
I was afraid. Of the pain, the needles, especially after having SO many in my life 4 weeks ago. Ones I didn't have a choice about. Today was taking back those feelings. This was my choice. Brooke brought and set up an entire tattoo parlor, from another state, to my nursery. I spent the morning finally moving the baby shower gifts. Tidying up, and making space for this. I find being in her nursery healing. So it was the obvious room to take this big step. She said needle perspective makes a difference, but I was surprised how much it didn't hurt. How therapeutic it felt to see each stroke become a part of me forever. I watched the pink floral tree dance outside her window during the 20 min experience. The light hitting the nursery just how I had loved these last 8 months. I am so happy with every little detail of today's choice.
A tiny pink peony. My favorite flower. Its only in season in May. Its the most beautiful delicate flower. It is the most fleeting flower, only here for such a short time, but adored by the world in its short existence. It describes Anna is every way. Budding but not fully able to bloom. Her name in soft script, like a whisper you can still visually see. It's on my ankle. So I can see and touch it on hard days, but it's not something I will catch out of the corner of my eye, on my wrist, and bring me to unexpected tears. It's somewhere that I will have with every step forward. I must move my feet, and this tattoo, this reminder of why, who, and what I am struggling with as I take every small step. I love it. I love her.
Never say never.
with love, lissa