Today would have been so many things.
My life lives in past tense now.
I would have been preparing every minute of today for her arrival. Only described in insane giddiness as I counted down the minutes. I remember every detail of the day before Max's arrival. I remember what I should have been doing in every minute of today. Its thoughts that I cannot turn off. I live them all today in both versions, what should have been, and what is.
Instead of preparing for her birthday, I am finalizing details for a blood drive in her memory. I am pouring out emotions because they physically slip out of my being in the form of tears. I am laying in bed avoiding doing anything, because it might be something I would have done for Anna. I am trying to drown out my mind, even though it is already drowning. I am afraid of myself, and I am afraid of tomorrow.
I have suddenly thought that I don't have anything to wear to this memorial. I have spent the last 5 weeks in sweat pants and oversized shirts. Clothes that were tight 5 weeks ago, are now falling off of me, as the weight of a pregnancy disappeared. I look visibly like shit, because I feel like shit. I don't ever want to look nice again. If I could wear a neon shirt that says, "I lost my baby" I would.
Now I try to find something to wear that both honors and respects tomorrow. I had Brandon take me to target in a panic that I had nothing to do this. As I wandered in a fog, looking like I just got hit by a truck, picking up every black dress I saw. I simply don't want to wear happy colors right now. I wore a bright pink dress to my Grandfathers funeral, his life was vibrant and happy until the last moment, and I wanted to honor that. This time I only feel ok in dark colors, reflecting my deep pain and loss. I picked one that has the tiniest hint of yellow in it too. For my sunshine baby, that never came.
Then I moved onto my nails. I have tried to make myself do my nails for the last 5 weeks. Such a big part of my life for the last 3.5 years. It was my version of self care, and there hasn't been much of that lately. Every time I have looked at them, constantly growing out, a reminder of time passing. But I always put so much thought into each set I did. Nothing seemed special enough to be the first I wore after Anna. I had already picked out ones to wear with her, I don't know if I can ever wear the ones I wanted to wear tomorrow on her birthday.
Today in my memories on fb that pop up, a trip I took last year for Jamberry. An Album started with an exclusive wrap, named after a song, a song I have loved so much. A song I cried to as I left my last OB appt, not knowing it was my last one. I think to myself, here it is, this is the one. This is the one I can wear that will feel right. It is black floral lace. It is called, "A bed of roses." and it belongs to these lyrics.
If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when
She stands under my colours, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it oughta be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life.
This song is old in my life. I have loved it for years. I always felt like it was one that spoke to my soul. But now I see those words strung out to a soft melody, and I remember the tears I cried so recently listening to it. I will play it, as I take some time today to do my nails for the first time. I will apply "bed of roses" to my nails that are shaped into the aptly named, coffin shape. I have found the manicure that finally feels right. Even though it feels so very wrong to wear black on a day that was supposed to only be sunshine, light and rainbows.
Tonight, knowing how hard it was going to be, and how emotional tomorrow will be, my book club planned a 'non book' book club meeting. Getting together to just be together. We have been there for each other in so many ways this last year, and they are some of my biggest supporters. It was the easiest part of my day. It was the few hours I could turn my brain off and just be me.
I dread tomorrow. It will be healing and so amazing to see how many people love us and Anna. But it will be another day of what if, what could have been. My loss will shift from feeling the sense of pregnancy missing, to focus on feeling truly all the things the newborn stage brings. It is another chapter, but it is not new. It is more grief, as it changes, so do we, and we struggle because thats all we can do. And there will be so many more chapters to this grief to come this next year. This past month just an introduction to our book of grief. Tomorrow it truly starts, but so does the healing.
This post seems more disconnected than most, because thats what I am living. A fractured life. Where thoughts enter and beg to be told. And just as fast, another one takes it's place. Grief is like a thousand people living in your head and all screaming at once. And none of them are me. I am lost in there somewhere. Some days I find my way to the top, and I can quiet the other voices. Speaking softly, I remind them of good things, of love, of living after and in the face of loss. But today is not one of those days.
with love, lissa