My keyboard is wet. I think for a second why it might be, before I realize, its my tears that have fallen off my cheeks. I was just listening to my sister in law sing a song just for Anna's birthday. Technology links us in a way that I can hear her voice from a country away.
They were supposed to share a birthday. I was so excited about it. It felt it was another thing that was perfectly fated to be. Anna was healing me in every sense from the grief of losing a sister. 2017 was filled with so much grief, and then a positive pregnancy test happened. We almost lost this baby on Christmas morning, and it felt like a miracle being spared that addition loss, another grief to pile into the last days of 2017. We rode out a horrible holiday waiting, and she fought to make it through. I thought we were past the scary stage then, almost miscarrying at 13.5 weeks. So I definitely felt passed the scary stage at 34 weeks. I never realized you are NEVER passed the scary stage.
With each month that passed this baby seemed to be PERFECT, next came a gender reveal, a girl, a daughter, after dreaming of it forever. The last kind words between Kimmy and I before her accident were "I found your drawer of baby girl clothes, I prayed you will one day have a daughter." And then I did. A daughter after losing a sister. A last wish being answered. Grief was slowly turning to joy. With each day that passed it became more and more a part of me. More joy than grief. That shift was happening. Her birthday felt like I was going to be able to say grief was a chapter behind me. Now it feels like its an entire book, I was only at the dedication before, now I must write the words to finish this book I have been handed.
We got to the point where they were scheduling her Csection. So close, so close that it hurts just that little bit more each time I think about it. They gave us a date. June 26. Her birthday landed exactly on Brandon's little sister's, and his Grandmothers birthday. 3 generations of women to carry the same date of life. To celebrate so much with every new age. It really was too perfect. All of this perfect pregnancy. Right down to the last day being her baby shower, she was celebrated even though we never reached her birthday. From the first day we found out we were pregnant, to every moment in between, we celebrated her in tiny ways, every single day that the pregnancy.
Until it didn't continue.
Its just halted. A pregnancy that doesn't lead to birth in the third trimester is just inhumane. Today was supposed to be her birthday. Instead we honor her life she never got to live. My sister in law struggles to celebrate her special day, because what was supposed to be filled with extra joy, is now doused in sadness. She will share in that pain on every anniversary of this day. Every Birthday that she celebrates will have a soft undertone of what could have been. And because of that, she feels that extra connection & wanted to honor Anna in her own special way.
Paige has always expressed her talent in singing. I have loved listening to her sing over the last 10 years of knowing her. Her talent taking her to other countries and recording her own album. So when she wrote me on that first night and asked if there was a song that I felt was Anna's, this is the song I told her about. That in those few precious hours, in the only memories I have of Anna, laying with her, wanting to comfort her instead of myself. The lyrics seem ripped from my heart. Remembering how soft that newborn skin is. The dark emptiness that is loss. That each tear tells a story. That I am constantly reaching out to her. What I would give to lay by her side again.
And so Paige, having never heard the song before, learned and sent it to me. She described it as not perfect, and isn't that perfect in itself. That this life I am living is far from perfect, no one else's is either. Her rendition is softer and slower, acoustic with emotion instead of background noise to distract from it. It is perfectly imperfect.
Happy Birthday Anna
Happy Birthday Paige
Happy Birthday June
I wish we were happily celebrating today. If Birthday wishes could bring her back, She surely would be here in our arms. Instead I will lay down, with empty arms, and weep while listening to this song filled with so much love for Anna. Thank you Paige.
The lyrics
Lay Me Down - Sam Smith
Yes I do, I believe
That one day I will be, where I was
Right there, right next to you
And it's hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, and the stars, are nothing without you
Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?
No words can explain, the way i’m missing you
Deny this emptiness, this hole that i’m inside
These tears, they tell their own story
You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling’s overwhelming, it's much too strong
Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
And make sure you’re alright
I’ll take care of you,
And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight
I’m reaching out to you
Can you hear my call
This hurt that I’ve been through
I’m missing you, missing you like crazy
Can I lay by your side, next to you, to you
And make sure you’re alright
I’ll take care of you,
And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight
Lay me down tonight, lay me by your side
Lay me down tonight
Lay me by your side
Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
with love, lissa