Tonight I broke my child’s heart
We sat down a six and three year old and told them their baby sister was gone. No we told them specifically that she was dead. Because a children's grief counselor had told us we had to be blunt in that way. Because they were children.
Sawyer burst into tears, looked at me and launched into my arms and wept. Max crawled into the hug, and as I sat there crying, holding my boys and looking at Brandon, I wondered, how this was my reality. The things that had happened to line up in such a way that this was the result. How is this fair, that my heart has been broken so many times, and here I am breaking my children's hearts now.
Max moved on quickly. He's only three. He whispers, the baby is dead over and over again. It's a fact. It hurts to hear, but this is how a three year old processes life. Things that are true. And she is dead now.
But Sawyer spent the next 2 hours on & off asking questions. Some broke my already shattered heart. “If babies can die," and he looks into my eyes with a look I will never forget, "can mommies die too?”
We have opened a world of hurt for a 6 year old. He asked if she was at the hospital. If they were taking care of her now. He kept asking if I was sure she wasn't coming home. He asked if there would be more babies. And I answered, I hope so, because we still don't know. He asked if he could call the new babies Anna, he was the only one who knew her name. He asked if the new baby could come in August because he had waited SO long till June. He asked it it was ok to cry in the morning, or just at night like we were then. He asked if he could tell his teacher, I didn't tell him she already knew and had been trying to give him happiness in hiding it the last week of school. He asked me if I would be sad if the next baby was a boy. How could he know there was such special happiness of finally having a daughter, and my fear now that it will never be realized. He asked if he should hug me when he saw me crying. Like he could fix me if he tried hard enough. He asked so many questions trying to make sense of this thing I couldn't make sense of either. I didn't have the answers, I never will.
A friend of mine sent this pink pillow, it is weighted to 4 pounds 2oz. Anna’s exact weight. She was supposed to be 6lbs at birth they thought. Sawyer became immediately attached. It has her name on it, and he asked if he can hug and kiss it when he misses her. My wise old soul.
When he was ready, we put them to sleep in our bed to sleep. And he whispered, “I’m going to cry when I ask this question..." His precious face breaking,
"I just really wanted my baby sister to come out ok” 💔
It’s 1am and he’s still holding tight to his memory of a baby sister. The closest he can come to realizing his dream of a bigger big brother.
with love, lissa