Its one of the stupid things people will tell you when you're grieving. Because they haven't grieved. If they have, they will tell you of course time doesn't heal all wounds, this is with you forever now. This weight you will carry with you. Instead of the weight of her in my arms, I will carry the weight of her on my heart for the rest of my life.
But the thing with life is that it does force you into reality whether you like it or not. And dealing with the grief of Kimmy for the last 14 month had taught me that. It was hard in the beginning and it certainly wasn't linear. I would say the fall was the hardest. Facing holidays without the sister I had been used to texting. But then life gave me the most wonderful curveball. A daughter inside of me. I would feel so guilty for crying so much while she was there. I didn't want her brought into the world knowing only sadness from my heart. So slowly the days came easier and the smiles naturally took over.
Anna was going to be the light at the end of the tunnel of grief. I thought it was unfair to have a girl finally, but unable to share it with my sister. But you know whats worse? Losing your daughter, and not having your sister beside you. Kimmy can't understand what has happened. She asks me why Im crying when she face times me. Stares at me blankly. I had JUST felt like I was crawling my way out of the blankness of grief from her loss. I was still crying in the car, but it wasn't EVERY day. It was every other day, and then a few days, and then the week of the baby shower I had been sad but it wasn't overwhelming.
The day of the baby shower I woke up feeling completely refreshed. This is not the case with my pregnancies. But I woke up with a smile on my face. My hair went flawlessly into a crown braid that usually takes 3 attempts. My makeup, I put it all on, I hardly wore make up anymore because I had cried it all off month after month. But today was going to be so wonderful. I put it on, lipstick too. I wore a new outfit and felt truly beautiful in pregnancy. I made my favorite crepes for all my friends to enjoy. I put the finishing touches on the girliest cake I ever made. And I dreamed of a year from now making a first birthday cake. I had already started to plan that party. "Donut Grow Up," and now she never will.
I spent the whole day feeling overwhelmingly happy. The first time completely content in life. I had face grief head on for so long, and I was learning to live with it. I had found the balance in life and it felt truly magical. I spent the day with favorite friends, everyone together laughing and loving. They too had been part of my journey and were genuinely happy for me. I was showered in that love and the girliest of gifts. With each one I unwrapped I thought of Anna and I in the future. Something tangible to hold onto.
When it was over I spent the afternoon sitting with Brandon on the new porch swing. I closed my eyes and rubbed my belly, dreaming of me and her on that swing all summer. The baby naps she would take in my arms while I listened to the song birds, and felt the heat on our skin. I took a video, she wasn't moving as much as she usually did, slower. Was she dying while I dreamed of her future? Was I missing signs that could have saved her life, because I was blissful for the first time in over a year. So unsused to the happiness that I missed what could have been. The hurt is starting to seep into, and take away the happy memories too now.
I went from my highest high, to my lowest low in 24 hours. To the dot. It makes me feel like I will never truly be happy, because when I let my guard down and let happiness in, all it served was giving me this false sense of security. I did everything right, and I grieved and I learned, and I was getting better. And now I have to walk it again. But beaten down. And so much worse. Kimmy's grief came with a quiet storm approaching. We knew one day that call could come. But this, felt like my feet being swept under me. I didn't have time to breathe one breath before it was gone.
How could I trust the world again when I have her baby shower flowers next to memorial flowers.
Time does not heal all wounds. I get to carry her forever. With empty arms.
with love, lissa