I could never understand Kimmy's addiction. I knew it was a disease and it wasn't her fault. But I couldn't understand wishing the world away. Until now. I have dealt with so many trials its seem's like I am a pro when it comes to life challenges. I face them head on, I never need help. I never even wished them away. I could even find lessons in them. And felt like I was a better person because of them.
I was banned from entering the country when we got married. Accused of marrying for citizenship. We spent a hard 5 months of newlywed marriage in separate countries. We were young and it was hard emotionally. But we got through it, and we are stronger for it. Long distance love is not for the faint of heart and we did it for over and year, through dating and marriage. Talking through weeks of separation built the steady foundation of our marriage.
Sawyer's pregnancy came easy. And even though it was labeled high risk, I never thought of it that way. I had to endure endless monitoring. For weeks I was having full labor contractions and I couldn't even feel them because of the amount of fluid I was carrying. He still loves swimming and I always joked it was because of growing in his olympic swimming pool in the womb.
At 4 months they diagnosed Sawyer with Craniosynostosis. I remember hearing the words come out of the doctors mouth but only hearing, surgery. They took my babies skull off from eyebrows to the base of the neck. Broke it and reshaped it to form artificial soft spots. I handed my baby to a surgeon and he came back. We spent 6 days in the PICU. I thought it was the hardest journey as a mom that I would have to walk. I found my silver lining in blogging and helping other moms walk that path.
We wanted children close together. It took 13 months to get pregnant with Max. It had taken one with Sawyer. I remember thinking how awful it was and it was only 13 months. Nothing compared to my friends who have tried for years. I felt guilty for it getting to me. And then those two lines appeared. And everything was great. Until it wasn't. I remembered seeing blood one day and not realizing the screaming was coming from me. Calling my husband on the way to the hospital not knowing if I lost him. They told me there was nothing they could do, just wait. But he's mayhem Max and he fought hard. He made it through the worst when he was only 20 weeks. I felt blessed to not have lost him.
Then we went through 3 years of extreme ups and downs with Kimmy. She overdosed so many times, that on that final one, I almost didn't fly home, because it felt too repetitive. I had Braxton living on and off with me. I flew home with a 4 month old to keep him out of CPS. It seemed natural to have him with my family at least once a year. And I liked it. It was the silver lining. I got to help raise this amazing kid who was dealt a shit hand in life.
I got a call at 4am on march 5. Brandon wrote a scene for a horror movie based off of watching me receive that call. I spent 2 weeks in the ICU in another country wondering if she would live. They were the rawest moments of my life. I cried so hard I wondered how my body didn't run out of tears. Braxton came to live with us again. And when he left, I lost my purpose of the trail. I grieved incredibly hard. It felt like it would be endless. Until two lines showed up.
Sawyer had a mole biopsied last summer. They told me not to worry, its extremely rare in kids this age. We were on our way to Canada when a doctor called me. They needed to remove it immediately. It showed pre cancerous signs. In my 5 year old. I had to hold his head steady as a doctor removed it. He now has to be monitored every 6 months. I was starting to feel like my life was unfair.
On Christmas Eve we attended a church service for the first time. In the parking lot I felt the blood. We thought we were being over reactive. We headed to the hospital. our kids spent the whole holiday in the ER. They found the heart beat but told me I was losing the baby. They told me I would miscarry the next day. Christmas. I spent the night crying on the couch waiting for it. I didn't take a single picture on Christmas morning because my world was over. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to lose her at 13 weeks. Why was she given a second chance, only to lose her after we were so attached in every way.
And now. I sit here with this empty belly. Im so numb that I understand Kimmy's addiction for wanting the world to go away. I don't want to die, she didn't either. But I feel the Percocet wash over me, and for a min nothing feels real anymore. The pain is slightly less. And i recognize that behavior as the beginning of addiction. So I slowly cut the painkillers out of my life. And I feel every inch of this unbelievable grief.
There is no life lesson to this trial. I have faced them all and come out better. But this one. This one will break me. I am forever changed. Not for the better. I am broken. Thats all thats left.
with love, lissa