with love, lissa

My keyboard is wet. I think for a second why it might be, before I realize, its my tears that have fallen off my cheeks. I was just listening to my sister in law sing a song just for Anna's birthday. Technology links us in a way that I can hear her voice from a country away.

They were supposed to share a birthday. I was so excited about it. It felt it was another thing that was perfectly fated to be. Anna was healing me in every sense from the grief of losing a sister. 2017 was filled with so much grief, and then a positive pregnancy test happened. We almost lost this baby on Christmas morning, and it felt like a miracle being spared that addition loss, another grief to pile into the last days of 2017. We rode out a horrible holiday waiting, and she fought to make it through. I thought we were past the scary stage then, almost miscarrying at 13.5 weeks. So I definitely felt passed the scary stage at 34 weeks. I never realized you are NEVER passed the scary stage.

With each month that passed this baby seemed to be PERFECT, next came a gender reveal, a girl, a daughter, after dreaming of it forever. The last kind words between Kimmy and I before her accident were "I found your drawer of baby girl clothes, I prayed you will one day have a daughter." And then I did. A daughter after losing a sister. A last wish being answered. Grief was slowly turning to joy. With each day that passed it became more and more a part of me. More joy than grief. That shift was happening. Her birthday felt like I was going to be able to say grief was a chapter behind me. Now it feels like its an entire book, I was only at the dedication before, now I must write the words to finish this book I have been handed.

We got to the point where they were scheduling her Csection. So close, so close that it hurts just that little bit more each time I think about it. They gave us a date. June 26. Her birthday landed exactly on Brandon's little sister's, and his Grandmothers birthday. 3 generations of women to carry the same date of life. To celebrate so much with every new age. It really was too perfect. All of this perfect pregnancy. Right down to the last day being her baby shower, she was celebrated even though we never reached her birthday. From the first day we found out we were pregnant, to every moment in between, we celebrated her in tiny ways, every single day that the pregnancy.

Until it didn't continue.

Its just halted. A pregnancy that doesn't lead to birth in the third trimester is just inhumane. Today was supposed to be her birthday. Instead we honor her life she never got to live. My sister in law struggles to celebrate her special day, because what was supposed to be filled with extra joy, is now doused in sadness. She will share in that pain on every anniversary of this day. Every Birthday that she celebrates will have a soft undertone of what could have been. And because of that, she feels that extra connection & wanted to honor Anna in her own special way.

Paige has always expressed her talent in singing. I have loved listening to her sing over the last 10 years of knowing her. Her talent taking her to other countries and recording her own album. So when she wrote me on that first night and asked if there was a song that I felt was Anna's, this is the song I told her about. That in those few precious hours, in the only memories I have of Anna, laying with her, wanting to comfort her instead of myself. The lyrics seem ripped from my heart. Remembering how soft that newborn skin is. The dark emptiness that is loss. That each tear tells a story. That I am constantly reaching out to her. What I would give to lay by her side again.

And so Paige, having never heard the song before, learned and sent it to me. She described it as not perfect, and isn't that perfect in itself. That this life I am living is far from perfect, no one else's is either. Her rendition is softer and slower, acoustic with emotion instead of background noise to distract from it. It is perfectly imperfect.

Happy Birthday Anna
Happy Birthday Paige
Happy Birthday June

I wish we were happily celebrating today. If Birthday wishes could bring her back, She surely would be here in our arms. Instead I will lay down, with empty arms, and weep while listening to this song filled with so much love for Anna. Thank you Paige.

The lyrics
Lay Me Down - Sam Smith

Yes I do, I believe
That one day I will be, where I was
Right there, right next to you
And it's hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, and the stars, are nothing without you
Your touch, your skin, where do I begin?
No words can explain, the way i’m missing you
Deny this emptiness, this hole that i’m inside
These tears, they tell their own story

You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling’s overwhelming, it's much too strong
Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
And make sure you’re alright
I’ll take care of you,
And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight

I’m reaching out to you
Can you hear my call
This hurt that I’ve been through
I’m missing you, missing you like crazy

Can I lay by your side, next to you, to you
And make sure you’re alright
I’ll take care of you,
And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight

Lay me down tonight, lay me by your side
Lay me down tonight
Lay me by your side
Can I lay by your side, next to you, you

with love, lissa

I have been waiting to share this story on a day when I needed it most.

Like many moms I joined a babycenter birth board when I found out we would be expecting in June. I was mostly silent, this was my third baby and things progressed how I expected them to. I read it a few times here and there but didn't make my presence known.

On May 20 I got my daily email at 8pm about all the topics being talked about. The birth announcement thread was beginning to take off as babies don't stick to time lines. You are allowed to post birth announcements there, even in stillbirth. I posted a photo of the daughter I loved so much, she had just left my arms for the last time. I wanted the world to know she was here. She was just here, and now she was gone.

"We lost our sweet baby girl Anna today. I hadn't felt movement and drove myself to the ER. By the time I got there, I passed out in L&D, and almost died by minutes of making it there. Im currently stable but high risk. And poor Anna didn't make it. Im trying to wrap my head around how this happened. We just celebrated her baby shower yesterday. I think Im still in shock. She was so loved. And we never got to say hello."

I don't remember writing these words. Much like when I go back to re-read telling close friends and family. My mind has placed scars over some experiences, and though you can feel them, you don't remember them. These words I wrote, I can see the pain in writing them. So in shock and somehow needing the world to know them. I felt compelled that night to write just a piece of Anna in that place. A tribute and a warning in one.

On June 11 I received a message on instagram, from a stranger, on baby center.

"Dearest Alissa
I came from the June board on babycenter. I just want to express my deepest sympathy. I struggle to find the words to express something that is too horrible for words. Im so sorry, I'm just so so sorry for your immeasurable loss. I have been thinking of you every day since I saw your birth announcement on May 21"

I replied, "Don't take a single moment for granted. I wish so much I could be up all night with her crying. Treasure it all." Those were the darkest days for me. The shock wearing off. And seeing everyone around me continue to be blessed with healthy arrivals. I was not bitter or angry about it, I had twice been that person who is blissfully unaware of the heartache of child birth. Not knowing that for ever 99 babies who comes home, there is one family that leaves the hospital with empty arms and an even emptier heart.

I did not expect a reply, my response had been so bleak and cold. Whispers of regret filled what I thought was a message of knowing child loss and realizing how precious those first hard days are. Instead another message came up.

"I promise you that not a moment goes by where I am anything other than grateful. I saw your comment on the birth announcement thread and a few hours later, noticed that my own sweet girl was not moving. I hesitated for a moment about going in, wondering if I was overthinking, but I thought back to seeing your post that morning while in the bath -(This is the same thing that made me notice Anna not moving) And decided to go in. Your comment on that thread likely saved my baby's life. Madison came quietly into the world on May 21, not breathing, with a true cord wrapped tightly around her tiny little body. I lay in the OR praying and praying while they worked on her. The silence was deafening. She was in the NICU for 10 days due to complications. As a result of her dramatic entrance into the world. But she is home with us now. I have thought of you and Anna consistently and shed tears for you. Thank you for sharing your story on baby center. And continuing to share it here. I will pray for strength for you as you attempt to heal from this unfair blow, while still being a mother to both your boys, and a wife to Brandon."

I was sent back to moments of shock. Here was this baby thousands of miles away, I will never meet. And my story, Anna's story, saved her life. The blood drive is honoring the idea of saving lives, but here is an actual account of one child's loss being another child's first breath. I can't explain the comfort I find in that. But it is immense. I was brought to tears. Both happy and sad. That I have to live this life, and feel her absence every minute of every day, but also for happiness that in such a short amount of time, Anna's life, or lack there of, has changed SO many people's lives. There has been so many stories shared with us over the last month. Each one touching a unique space in my heart. A single stitch as it tries to mend itself.

On dark days, like this weekend, as we continue to creep forward to a date I once loved, and now dread. I like to remind myself of these stories. Of all the people Anna is saving. She is a genuine guardian angel. Seeking to repair the world. Ours is shattered as we miss her beyond words. But around us, people hear her name, filled with so much love, that it is actually changing the world for the better.

Madison will follow the exact life milestones that I would have had with Anna, born hours apart. Never to meet in this lifetime. A reminder of what could have been. That seems like something that should hurt my broken heart. But instead, I know, she is here living those milestones, because Anna could not. Instead of two mothers bonding over the same loss, there is one that is spared that grief. I have one guardian angel watching over me. And I have one life here on earth to count as hers.

Thank you Dana for not remaining silent. Telling me you didn't have the words to take away my pain. But giving me a gift in sharing your own daughters life. And letting me share this story when I need it most, to forever remind me that even in my worst days, there was still overwhelming goodness in the world. Because of Anna.

with love, lissa